Funny Christmas Poems



Funny Christmas Poems for the whole family to enjoy and laugh at this wonderful festive time. Have a wonderful Yuletide, may you get all the love and hugs you need and all the gifts that are easily changed.










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Funny Christmas Poems

If Santa was a (Chav)he'd join the dole queue
Because apart from Christmas deliveries he's got nothing else to do.
But he wouldn't put his feet up and watch daytime TV
He'd find himself an "earner" strictly cash - no VAT
As he's got a reindeer farm he'd probably be found,
On a barrow, flogging cheap deer burgers outside the football ground.
Courtesy of Jon Bratton.

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Christmas
Here's how to bear and grin in
From beginning to end
Just tonic and gin it

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One Christmas I got a battery with a note saying,
"Toy not included."
WARNING.Don't upset your parents they won't
post your letter)

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Judge: "What are you charged with?"
Prisoner: "Doing my Christmas shopping early."
Judge: "That's not an offense. How early were you doing this shopping?"
Prisoner: "Before the store opened."

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The Mousie

A mousie got into a great Christmas pie,
Two little boys heard him, and then they did cry,
"O mousie! O mousie! come quickly away!
That pie is not for you, 'tis for our Christmas day
M.N.B.

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Funny Christmas Poems

Jingle bells, jingle bells,
Jingle all the way.
I’ve got a gun and a clever disguise
To rob the bank on its busiest day
Jingle bells, jingle bells,
Jingle all the way.
We got caught do you know why?
Because we only had a getaway sleigh

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A lovely thing about Christmas
is that it's compulsory,
like a thunderstorm,
and we all go through it together.

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Merry Christmas To My Female Friends

If I were ol' Santa, you know what I'd do
I'd dump silly gifts that are given to you
And deliver some things just inside your front door
Things you have lost, but treasured before.

I'd give you back all your maidenly vigor,
And to go along with it, a neat tiny figure.
Then restore the old color that once graced your hair
Before rinses and bleaches took residence there.

I'd bring back the shape with which you were gifted
So things now suspended need not be uplifted.
I'd draw in your tummy and smooth down your back
Till you'd be a dream in those tight fitting slacks.

I'd remove all your wrinkles and leave only one chin
So you wouldn't spend hours rubbing grease on your skin.
You'd never have flashes or queer dizzy spells,
And you wouldn't hear noises like ringing of bells.

No sore aching feet and no corns on your toes,
No searching for spectacles when they're right on your nose.
Not a shot would you take in your arm, hip or fanny,
From a doctor who thinks you're a nervous old granny.

You'd never have a headache, so no pills would you take.
And no heating pad needed since your muscles won't ache.
Yes, if I were Santa, you'd never look stupid,
You'd be a cute little chick with the romance of a cupid.

I'd give a lift to your heart when those wolves start to whistle,
And the joys of your heart would be light as a thistle.
But alas! I'm not Santa. I'm simply just me,
The matronest of matrons you ever did see.

I wish I could tell you all the symptoms I've got,
But I'm due at my doctor's for an estrogen shot.
Even though we've grown older, this wish is sincere,
Merry Christmas to you and a Happy New Year.
Marg Max

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Funny Christmas Poems



Funny Christmas Poems

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